Monday, July 4, 2011

The Real Independence Day

I like to think that things happen for a reason. That's the only thing that helps me to understand why bad stuff happens. With that said, I woke up this morning to get ready to run the Peachtree Road Race. I wasn't able to contact my best friend and walk with her because my phone charger is on the other side of town and I haven't been able to go get it so that I can charge the darned thing. On top of that, my iPod went missing right before I left so I had to go without it. I also noticed that my son's father wasn't home. He didn't come home last night.

I was more irritated that he wasn't home to let me use his phone so that I could call my friend. I knew what he was doing, I just didn't give a shit. I got myself together and left out to the race and of course with 60,000 people around I wasn't able to find my friend. I was pissed to be alone and walking in the heat without any music to amp me up, but I tried to make the best of it and get inside of my own head. I played the last couple of days out.

First I thought about Chris and how much I'd like to see him again. Then I thought about some of the other guys I've been thinking about lately. I decided that I'm probably going to take a break from dating around. No, not for Chris. Simply because there is clearly a lot of fuckery out there and I'm too grown for all of that. Then I thought about my son's father and the fact that he didn't even come out to support me, nor had he ever planned to. I thought about how much I can't wait to move into my new apartment and make it my own. I went through the color schemes I'd like for the bedrooms and the paint I'd need to buy.

I told myself that before I got to the race, I'd try to notice the landmarks as I walked. Apparently I got so lost in my own thoughts that it didn't even register to me that I was passing many of my favorite places. At one point I passed one of the cheer stations where a group was playing one of my favorite songs, "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. I realized that a smile had appeared across my face for the first time during the race. I found myself mouthing the words and waving at them Listening to that song lifted me. I sang and cheered. And it occurred to me. Not was I going to survive, I DID survive. I told myself that I was going to get out and I did. I realized that I'm no longer in love with my ex. In only a few short weeks I'll have my own place and able to finally move on with my life.

Another strange thing happened when I got home. I went straight to the shower to scrub off the funk of nearly 8 miles of walking. As I stripped down I looked at my body in the mirror and for the first time ever, I didn't see fat. Yes, I'm the same pudgy chick that I've always been, but I was able to look at my body and not zoom straight at my midsection. I saw a body that had a problem area or two, but this time it was cute. My body isn't hideous. It took over 30 effing years of living before I got to this point. So some may celebrate today as the day that America gained it's independence. But today was the day that I declared mine.