Single Again

So Chris and I are over. And this time I mean over. I've said it to my homegirls again, but the end is here. I hate that I didn't walk away while things were remotely good and without insults and hurt feelings. The long and short of it is that he wanted to make time for screwing, but nothing else. I'm all for fucking, but if it's going to be fucking, let it just be that. Don't expect me to be monogamous if you're not going to take out the time to take me out every now and again. He kept saying that we were more than just sex, but frankly I've spent 5 years with my ex being treated like his whore and I don't think that I'm asking too much for a man to take me out on the town (or out for a simple meal) every now and again.

Truthfully I'd tried to break things off two times before now. I wish I'd just been firm and left it then. But I got sucked back in. I think his ego wouldn't allow me, that broke chick, to leave him.I also think he liked me. I know he did. I shouldn't have allowed him liking me to be what kept me around. Hell, a lot of dudes like me, I've never had a problem leaving them in the dirt.

I'm hurt. It's only been two months. I think it's symbolic that he and I ended things around Labor Day. He was only meant to be a summertime fling. Truthfully, I think we should have only kicked it on night number one and left things alone then. I've got not hard feelings against him. I just hate that we squeezed the happiness out of a potential friendship.

I wish I could talk to Candy about the whole thing, but its kind of raw between us in terms of him. Apparently she was okay with us kicking it for a night, but I think us continuing to deal with one another longer than that weirded her out. I think that dating him also put a bit of a strain on our friendship. I was able to tell her about my upcoming trip to DC to hang with TJ. It was the first time I've been able to have girl talk with her about men in months. I'd missed it.

So yeah, TJ is back on the table. He's still in Philly. He told me that he's ready to hang with me whenever I get up there. He's already told me that he'll cover my hotel and take me out when I get there. How funny is it that I begged Chris for 2 solid months to take me out just one time, and here a guy in another town is okay with making me feel good on what will be our first time hanging out solo.

I think that TJ is just what I need right now. He's fine as hell, sweet and smart. I also love that he's far away. Being so far away, we could never be anything, which I love. All we can do is kiss, embrace, laugh, and part. When I met Chris, he and I weren't supposed to progress. Now I can have with TJ what Chris and I should have been. I miss Chris though.

On another note, Audrey is still doing her thing. She's still with Pastry. I still don't like Pastry. Christy recently told me that she's finally moving on with her life and allowing herself to date a new guy. Dude even went and got her a $500 gift card for Children's Place so she could get something for the kids. Can't be mad at that.

I've noticed that a bunch of my homegirls are back on the market. So many of my seemingly happily married and coupled up friends are now single again. Around 7 women from different walks of life are now back out there after nearly 5 to 10 years of being in various stages and kinds of relationships, they're all dating and having to learn themselves and all of that all over again. I've decided that all of us need to get together to vent so I'm planning a Girl's Night Out for us. I'm leaning toward sometime in October. Okay, I'm going to end things on this note. I promise not to be gone so long next time.


Keisha.

Booed Up

When I initially began this blog, I started it as a way to chronicle my own adventures in dating. I did not expect to meet Chris so soon and to fall for him as hard as I did. I've even seriously decided to fall back on Outburst and cut my other dudes loose as I let him be the only one to sample my goodies. I told Audrey about being offered the chance to make out with both Claude and James on Friday night and she replied "you must really like Chris when you stop making out with random guys." Dang Audrey, tell me how you really feel.

Anyway, luckily for the readers of this blog, my friends still offer plenty of writing material. I'll start with late last Saturday/early last Sunday. I got a call around 4 a.m. from my friend, Christy. Based on the time of day, I knew it was something serious. I answered and had her tell me that she'd just caught her ex, Ben, in bed with another woman. However, not only was it another woman, it was the same woman that had come to their home when they lived together.

As soon as she told me what happened, the first words out of my mouth were "that's not you anymore homie." I proceeded to remind her that Ben had done the same damn thing that he'd always done, which is why she had decided to move out to begin with. I talked to her for about another 20 minutes and hung up, confident that I had reminded her that she's done well without him since they'd broken up.

Imagine my surprise when as shopping for a birthday present for Chris a few days later (told you I'm sprung), I got another call from her, again about Ben. I tried my best to be sympathetic, but I probably wasn't as much as she'd hoped I'd be. I told her flat out that it was time for her to move on with her life. Christy is an absolute dime. I've seen us walk into clubs and bars and watched all of the men crane their necks to watch her pass, yet she remained concerned about her exboyfriend's recent exploit. Truthfully, I don't think he did anything wrong. He's single, so if he wants to screw another woman, that's his business. Of course I'd never say that to my friend though. Christy still feels that him still screwing the woman that had visited their home shows that he had some real emotion for her.

Being a good friend, when Christy told me that she needed a girl's night out, I agreed. We got dressed up and headed to where else, but Outburst. Candy called me while en route and we agreed to meet up and later get something to eat. Christy made her way inside while I sat outside and talked to SG. I told him about my recent boo-dom and told him how head over heels I am for Chris. SG then reminded me that I still live with my ex. I told him that I'd met Chris a few weeks ago, but it seems like I've known him forever. SG said that he understood my emotions, but cautioned me in taking on a new love interest so soon.

As I stood outside, I saw Candy walk up, but I saw also saw Christy walk back outside. She came up to me, looked me in the eye and said "she's here." I asked who she referred to. That's when she told me that the same chick who she'd pulled out of bed naked with her ex a week ago was now inside of the club. She said that she looked at the woman and said "you know who I am" before coming outside. She explained the situation to us so we decided to high tail it before SG had to pull out the handcuffs and not in a good way. Funny enough, we'd run into James inside so he decided to come with us to go eat.

After we ate, James and I said our goodbyes (no kisses here!) and I took Christy back to her car. I wanted desperately to tell her to let go of Ben, but she's made up her mind that he's done something wrong (although he hasn't) so there isn't much I can do or say. After I dropped her off, I went back to Outburst. I ran into SG and explained to him that Christy hadn't seen her man in bed with another woman, she saw her ex in bed. SG responded by saying that she had no reason to be upset. I agreed with him. He told me that I should have told him so that he could have corrected her. I explained to him that sometimes as a friend, you just have to go with it.

I finished out the night hanging with Claude and a few trannies. While in a corner, Claude asked me if I wanted to make out. I smiled at him and announced that I'm officially booed up and there would be no making out.

So there you have it. Christy isn't only one of my friends that seems to be having shitty luck with men. I on the other hand am so in lust with Chris that I see rainbows and hearts every where I turn. I really hope that Christy moves on with her life, the same way I have. Funny enough, she's moved out from being with her ex, yet the heart strings are still attached. I live with my ex and I recently found out that he screwed his ex wife. I couldn't care if I was paid to. I'm all about Chris. And I like it.

Keisha.

Disappointment

Well, Audrey still hates Chris based on their meeting while she was drunk. I hope I'm not being biased just because I enjoy fucking him, but truthfully, she was pretty drunk and a tad obnoxious that night. I swore to her today that I think the way he reacted to her may have had more to do with her being "drunk, obnoxious, lesbian, recent divorcee chick" rather than her weight. She responded that him being a dick has more to do with his character than their initial meeting. I asked for examples.

She named a recent encounter in which he and I were doing the nasty and he got a knock at the door by a chick that he'd recently decided to stop screwing. Apparently he and I had made plans earlier in the day to knock boots and she tried to make plans to come thru after he and I had set things in place. She came through anyway and she knocked mid session, temporarily killing the moment. I wanted him to answer the door just to see how he would react to her, but he declined to do so and we eventually got back to the task at hand. Personally, I think that he was within his right to play her to the left simply because she'd been told no, but she took it upon herself anyway. However, Audrey felt that Chris was a douche about it and that he should have simply stopped, put on his clothes, and walked outside to confront his female intruder. Personally, I felt that the chick was out of pocket and since she showed up after being told not to, she was given his ass to kiss, which was okay, given the circumstances.

Audrey stood firm on her stance that him allowing her to stand outside knocking on the door while we lay inside knocking the boots was rude. I, on the other hand, defended Chris in his action since he'd told the chick early on that she would not be welcome that evening. Me being the woman I am, I decided to contact an old friend of mine to get his take on the whole thing. I called my old friend, Todd.

Todd and I go back to my freshman year of college where I met him. I used to hang with two of my old classmates, Claudia and Mary and Todd was like a brother to us all, although Todd and Mary had always had sexual tension. Todd used to always say that of the three of us, once I got into my own, I'd be the freakier of the three of us, although I did not see it then. I guess it's safe to say that he was right. Moving on, I asked him about the thing with me, Chris, and the intruder and Todd felt that Chris had the right to handle things the way he wanted in his own home, but he also felt that it would have been rude for Chris to take his attention from me to deal with her at the moment.

While talking I told Todd that I'd realized earlier in the day that he was right about me ending up as a freak. I told him that I'd noticed it when I thought about Chris' upcoming birthday and how I'd have to get some whipped cream for us to properly celebrate the occasion that night. I couldn't help but to laugh at myself being the kind of woman to pull out whipped cream and other goodies to commemorate the occasion. Todd told me that he knew I'd be the kind of woman to be down for various sexual activities due to my free spirit. Then he told me about my friend Mary.

Todd and Mary have been getting it on various times for the last couple of years. For years when we were younger they flirted, but life happened and although they remained close, they drifted. At some point they were both married to other people and he had a son and she had two daughters. Eventually they were both single and able to get it on. I hoped upon hope that the two of them would end up together. It isn't going so well.

According to Todd, the sex has been, well, less than stellar. Actually his word was boring. I couldn't believe it. How on earth was a girl in my squad boring? I'm Keisha for God's sake. I'm the woman that grabs a man's balls for fun. I'm the same woman that can ride a lap with the best of them. I'm the woman that gets pissed off if a man isn't breathing in my ear that his is the best pussy he's ever been in. How can a good friend since junior year of high school not be the kind of woman that writes her name on a man's dick?

Just to be sure, I asked Todd what the problem was. He said that she just lays there. No oral, no doggy style, no screaming, just moaning the same two words. I was mortified for her. What kind of grown woman doesn't have it in her to give every man she's fucking her very best? I was both baffled and sad for her. He stated that while my concern was appreciated, Mary is such a stubborn person who only does things her own way, there was no sense in trying to talk to her.

It's true, she has always been the kind of woman that does what she wanted. She has always been a woman that stuck to her own guns. She basically married early in her college career and immediately had children. She'd always let her mother and father think for her. She never really thought about trying new things. She went from her parents to her husband and never had to think for herself. Now that she's nearly 40, she feels that there is no need to start doing what she hasn't done before. And I guess that includes giving guys anything they desire sexually.

I feel bad for Mary. I really do. But Keisha's got some whipped cream to buy.

Keisha.

Progression

Things are still where and how they are. I'm still deciding to fall back from dating around, but I'm always going to be a girl to enjoy the company of a man. What can I say? I like men. Keeping company doesn't mean I'm dropping trow, because a good conversation is more stimulating than anything to me. I'm probably heading to Outward tonight. James said he may go through also. He still text me on occasion. It's cool though, he's slipping into the "friend zone" anyway.

I talked to Jordan a few days ago and he's doing well. Still claiming he's going to take me out. I'm still not hearing shit until it happens. I talked to TJ in Philly recently. I almost renegged on going up to visit, but it looks like I'll be going anyway. I don't know what will happen with him. I like him and all, but I may be headed to a sexually exclusive situation (don't ask...) so if that's the case, no TJ.

I talked to the bestie Audrey today and she told me how angry she is that her grandmother followed her grandfather into the kitchen and took over for him as he tried to make himself a peanut butter sandwich. She said how demeaning it is for women to feel that they have to resort to such tasks to please a man. On the contrary, I disagreed with her. I told her that men like to be catered to and pampered. And frankly, if a man pampers a woman and makes her feel good, then he most certainly should have his plate prepared. I see no reason that a woman can't fix a man's plate or grab him a beer after he's been working all day.

Aubrey felt that my ideas were dated and reminded me that we'd both spent several years catering to men that didn't show us the proper appreciation. I told her that I'd learned that it's not that we shouldn't cater, its that we should be more selective about who we cater to. At my core, I'm still that woman that will cook and clean for my man. Now the intention is to only do it for the men that show me they know how to treat me.

Keisha.

Starting Over

Things are going well with Chris. We've hung together one more time since the night we met and I like him a lot. I'm still dealing with issues on my end regarding moving out from being with my ex, but those things will get dealt with in a matter of time.

Moving on, a while back during a birthday celebration of mine, two of my good friends hooked up, Angela and Brad. Angela is just getting out of a long, bad relationship and Brad has his own little set of issues he's dealing with, but overall, he's a great guy. She's also moving to New Orleans at the end of the month. I never would have thought to put the two together, but they seem to enjoy one another and I love them both, so more power to them.

Initially Angela would gush to me about how nice Brad was, but today was a bit different. She started saying that she feared that Brad may be moving too fast for her. I assured her that Brad has his own set of commitment phobia, so she had no need to fear that he would be trying to get serious any time soon. After a while, she relented and agreed that maybe the problem wasn't him, perhaps it was her.

She stated that she's just not used to a guy taking so much interest in her music career, offering her so much support, and even taking her out to eat. I reminded her that taking a woman out and supporting her is what a man is supposed to do. I told her that a man should make her feel protected, admired and adored and that she'd let the abusive relationships she'd had in the past cloud her judgement of how a man is supposed to act.

I shared a story of being in the car recently and hearing "A Woman's Worth" by Alicia Keys. Although I'd heard the song many times before, I'd never really taken the time to listen to the lyrics. I thought about the chorus and it was like a light bulb had come on.
"Cause a real man, knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth"
Alicia was on to something. A real man knew to please a woman. But a real woman has to know that she's a real woman and she deserves nothing but the best. Also, she would ride or die for her man, but only because he'd proven himself before they got to that level. How the hell had I missed that? I'd listened to the song to the point of being tired of it, but I'd never thought about the genius in it. Once a woman sees her own worth, so will the men that step to her. Angela had lost her worth along the way to the point where a guy who liked her the way she was nearly played to the left when his only crime was essentially giving her the love she'd never known to expect.

I encouraged Angela to spend some time meditating on the words "I deserve the best" and I hope she takes it to heart. It amazed me how many of my girlfriends have had to go through similar situations, myself included. We ended up with extreme assholes early on and somehow came to think that men are supposed to treat us like that. Men aren't supposed to bring us flowers and take us out, because that makes the man weak and it makes us women gold diggers and codependent. What a load of bullshit. Somehow they got us so turned around psychologically that we forget to love ourselves and expect the best. Well, Keisha ain't playing that shit anymore. The next man I love is going to prove himself a thousand times over before he earns my love in return. Hopefully beautiful friend Angela will eventually learn to feel the same way.

Keisha.

The Real Independence Day

I like to think that things happen for a reason. That's the only thing that helps me to understand why bad stuff happens. With that said, I woke up this morning to get ready to run the Peachtree Road Race. I wasn't able to contact my best friend and walk with her because my phone charger is on the other side of town and I haven't been able to go get it so that I can charge the darned thing. On top of that, my iPod went missing right before I left so I had to go without it. I also noticed that my son's father wasn't home. He didn't come home last night.

I was more irritated that he wasn't home to let me use his phone so that I could call my friend. I knew what he was doing, I just didn't give a shit. I got myself together and left out to the race and of course with 60,000 people around I wasn't able to find my friend. I was pissed to be alone and walking in the heat without any music to amp me up, but I tried to make the best of it and get inside of my own head. I played the last couple of days out.

First I thought about Chris and how much I'd like to see him again. Then I thought about some of the other guys I've been thinking about lately. I decided that I'm probably going to take a break from dating around. No, not for Chris. Simply because there is clearly a lot of fuckery out there and I'm too grown for all of that. Then I thought about my son's father and the fact that he didn't even come out to support me, nor had he ever planned to. I thought about how much I can't wait to move into my new apartment and make it my own. I went through the color schemes I'd like for the bedrooms and the paint I'd need to buy.

I told myself that before I got to the race, I'd try to notice the landmarks as I walked. Apparently I got so lost in my own thoughts that it didn't even register to me that I was passing many of my favorite places. At one point I passed one of the cheer stations where a group was playing one of my favorite songs, "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. I realized that a smile had appeared across my face for the first time during the race. I found myself mouthing the words and waving at them Listening to that song lifted me. I sang and cheered. And it occurred to me. Not was I going to survive, I DID survive. I told myself that I was going to get out and I did. I realized that I'm no longer in love with my ex. In only a few short weeks I'll have my own place and able to finally move on with my life.

Another strange thing happened when I got home. I went straight to the shower to scrub off the funk of nearly 8 miles of walking. As I stripped down I looked at my body in the mirror and for the first time ever, I didn't see fat. Yes, I'm the same pudgy chick that I've always been, but I was able to look at my body and not zoom straight at my midsection. I saw a body that had a problem area or two, but this time it was cute. My body isn't hideous. It took over 30 effing years of living before I got to this point. So some may celebrate today as the day that America gained it's independence. But today was the day that I declared mine.

Keisha.

30's Are the Best

A few nights ago while at Outward I heard one of the guys say that a girl was pretty, but that she was too young. He then said how young women have a tendency to get scared when it comes to sex. I thought about it and he was right. I've never felt more in control of my own sexuality. Where I would have felt shame and embarrassment for my recent dating life had I been in my twenties, now that I'm in my 30's I feel empowered and free. For the first time in my life, I feel that if I want to enjoy the company of a man, well then who's to say that I can't or shouldn't?

Last night was the Party at Candy's. Champion wasn't able to come, so I went alone, comfortable with the fact that I'd be surrounded by many of my good friends regardless. While there, my blessed bestie, Audrey, got tipsy. Well, I guess a better word would be to say she got HAMMERED. It's all fun and games until one person gets drunk and starts talking about their lesbian/bisexual lifestyle, but I digress.

While another old college friend of mine joined us, Candy's friend Chris was there. I didn't really think either way about Chris. I figured he was eyeballing my beautiful biracial friend Sheila. But somehow during the night his attention turned to me. I wanted him. I wanted him to lean in and invite me back to his home. He didn't. Later in the evening I told Candy that I was digging her friend. She replied that he was her ex from some years ago and that he was off limits. I told her I understood. She thought about it for a moment and said that she actually wouldn't care if he and I got it on, but that she wouldn't want any details. I agreed.

I went back inside to continue talking to the group. My wonderful Audrey at some point began saying that Chris had a stick up his ass and that he was too uptight. I love my friend, but that devil water is no joke. He took it in stride. She said that she wanted another shot. I told her that another one would make her puke. Chris got up and removed the alcohol. She continued her verbal attack on him and he continued to smile it off.

As the night wore on, I took Audrey home. As I drove back, I thought about my libido versus my friendship with Candy and decided hands down that my friendship meant more. I got back and I saw that things had died down and Chris was waiting in his car for me. I told Candy that I'd decided that it would be best if I didn't do anything with him. She told me again that she didn't mind.

Since it was late, he and I decided to visit the park. We talked about our lives and our children. I wanted him to kiss me. He didn't. We talked about going to get something to eat. I grabbed him and went for it. It was a wonderful kiss. Very slow, soft and passionate. After just a bit more deliberating we decided to head back to his place. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't get it.

His kiss was fantastic. His arms were strong and he asked me what I liked. For some reason, writing about it is hard for me. I was able to easily write about my exploits with the other fellas, but this one felt way more intimate and special. It was incredible. He made me feel at ease. I felt like I could say anything to him, but I still wanted him to see me at my best. We talked a little about this blog and I agreed to let him see it. For some reason I know that I could have lied or avoided it, but I felt that if he and I are going to be intimate, I want him to know the girl that he's really dealing with.

The strange thing is that I could see myself dating him forever, but the thought of being in a committed relationship with anyone nearly makes me itch. I think he'd be great for me. He's intelligent, accomplished, and caring, but I'm sure there's a raging asshole down deep in there somewhere, which turns me on even more. I don't even know if I'm going to write about him any more. I want to see him again. I like that there's no pressure. I'm not even thinking about the other guys anymore. Even though I don't want to be committed to anyone at the time, I'm glad that he's my friend now. And even if the  lovemaking part leaves and it's just he and I, after the way we connected last night, that will be a-okay with me.

I almost didn't even write about him here because out night was so special to me, I just wanted it to be to myself. I wrote about it because I wanted this blog to be honest and to have a full story. So this is where I am.

I don't know what I expected, but I didn't get it. I got so much more.

Keisha.