Sunday, July 3, 2011

30's Are the Best

A few nights ago while at Outward I heard one of the guys say that a girl was pretty, but that she was too young. He then said how young women have a tendency to get scared when it comes to sex. I thought about it and he was right. I've never felt more in control of my own sexuality. Where I would have felt shame and embarrassment for my recent dating life had I been in my twenties, now that I'm in my 30's I feel empowered and free. For the first time in my life, I feel that if I want to enjoy the company of a man, well then who's to say that I can't or shouldn't?

Last night was the Party at Candy's. Champion wasn't able to come, so I went alone, comfortable with the fact that I'd be surrounded by many of my good friends regardless. While there, my blessed bestie, Audrey, got tipsy. Well, I guess a better word would be to say she got HAMMERED. It's all fun and games until one person gets drunk and starts talking about their lesbian/bisexual lifestyle, but I digress.

While another old college friend of mine joined us, Candy's friend Chris was there. I didn't really think either way about Chris. I figured he was eyeballing my beautiful biracial friend Sheila. But somehow during the night his attention turned to me. I wanted him. I wanted him to lean in and invite me back to his home. He didn't. Later in the evening I told Candy that I was digging her friend. She replied that he was her ex from some years ago and that he was off limits. I told her I understood. She thought about it for a moment and said that she actually wouldn't care if he and I got it on, but that she wouldn't want any details. I agreed.

I went back inside to continue talking to the group. My wonderful Audrey at some point began saying that Chris had a stick up his ass and that he was too uptight. I love my friend, but that devil water is no joke. He took it in stride. She said that she wanted another shot. I told her that another one would make her puke. Chris got up and removed the alcohol. She continued her verbal attack on him and he continued to smile it off.

As the night wore on, I took Audrey home. As I drove back, I thought about my libido versus my friendship with Candy and decided hands down that my friendship meant more. I got back and I saw that things had died down and Chris was waiting in his car for me. I told Candy that I'd decided that it would be best if I didn't do anything with him. She told me again that she didn't mind.

Since it was late, he and I decided to visit the park. We talked about our lives and our children. I wanted him to kiss me. He didn't. We talked about going to get something to eat. I grabbed him and went for it. It was a wonderful kiss. Very slow, soft and passionate. After just a bit more deliberating we decided to head back to his place. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't get it.

His kiss was fantastic. His arms were strong and he asked me what I liked. For some reason, writing about it is hard for me. I was able to easily write about my exploits with the other fellas, but this one felt way more intimate and special. It was incredible. He made me feel at ease. I felt like I could say anything to him, but I still wanted him to see me at my best. We talked a little about this blog and I agreed to let him see it. For some reason I know that I could have lied or avoided it, but I felt that if he and I are going to be intimate, I want him to know the girl that he's really dealing with.

The strange thing is that I could see myself dating him forever, but the thought of being in a committed relationship with anyone nearly makes me itch. I think he'd be great for me. He's intelligent, accomplished, and caring, but I'm sure there's a raging asshole down deep in there somewhere, which turns me on even more. I don't even know if I'm going to write about him any more. I want to see him again. I like that there's no pressure. I'm not even thinking about the other guys anymore. Even though I don't want to be committed to anyone at the time, I'm glad that he's my friend now. And even if the  lovemaking part leaves and it's just he and I, after the way we connected last night, that will be a-okay with me.

I almost didn't even write about him here because out night was so special to me, I just wanted it to be to myself. I wrote about it because I wanted this blog to be honest and to have a full story. So this is where I am.

I don't know what I expected, but I didn't get it. I got so much more.